I know at least a handful of guys who are going to roast me for writing this, but I have to write it anyways!
I understand it takes guts, courage, and self confidence to ask a girl to go on a date with you. I also understand that many women have treated many men very poorly!
And as a result of girls breaking guys hearts, combined with guys either not knowing how or not wanting to be a gentleman, Christian men either shy away from asking girls on dates, or they ask them out for “coffee.” Call me old fashioned, but chivalry is not dead, nor should it be. And what is it about coffee? Why coffee?
Can I just be honest for a second? I have been asked out on dates more often by non- Christian men than Christian men. As soon as I step foot into a church or Christian setting, guys can barely stand up straight and look me in the eyes and say hello, let alone ask me to go on a date with them. What’s up with that?
And finally after seeing the same guys in church every week for years, they muster enough courage to say, “Would you like to grab coffee sometime?” Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate coffee. I don’t drink it, but I don’t have anything against it either! I just don’t understand the phenomenon about asking girls out for “coffee.”
Recently I met this guy through a mutual friend of ours. We chatted on email for awhile, then after about a month, he asked me if I would like to grab coffee. “Coffee.”
So I said, “Sure, I’ll go on a date with you.” And we had a problem! He didn’t think going out for coffee was a date. Sure it is!
I know this is only my opinion, but I think it’s LAME to ask a girl out for coffee. If you want to meet me, let’s go on a date and call it a date. Most likely, if I wouldn’t go on a date with you, I wouldn’t go for “coffee” with you either… Although I know this is one of the arguments for meeting for coffee instead of a date (potentially less rejection for the guy).
If you haven’t met me yet, and you ask me out… it’s a blind date. Why do some guys think that meeting for coffee is somehow not considered a date? So let me get this straight, if I drink something (Ie: we go out for coffee), it’s not a date, but if I have to chew something (Ie: we go out for dinner), then it’s date? Wow, that’s confusing…and weird.
So because I didn’t eat chicken when I spent time with you, it wasn’t a date? This is ridiculous people!
If you are trying to get on my good side to begin with… we should probably eat something when we see each other! I am kinda like a guy in the sense that the way to my heart is through my stomach. I am an eater, and I am usually hungry… so if you are going to ask me to take time out of my day, drive somewhere to meet you, and food isn’t on the agenda… you’ve already got strikes against you… ha, ha!
According to dictionary.com, the word “date” means: a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person.
This definition doesn’t say “If you eat chicken and or spaghetti” then it’s a date.
Also, I think it’s cheap of guys to ask girls to coffee verses a date…so, what, you don’t know if I am worth buying dinner for? That’s pretty insulting… save your penny and save your time, ask someone else to join you for “coffee.”
So I hear the excuse: “If on the date, you realize that you don’t like the person, then you are stuck with them for an hour or two.” Hey buddy, get over yourself! Since when is godly dating supposed to be all about you anyways? I have been on plenty of dates where I wasn’t “feelin’ it”, but we had a fun time regardless… lots of laughs, even when I knew I didn’t want another date with him.
If you meet for “coffee” you hang out for 30 min. or more right? If you meet for a “date” you hang out for a hour or so. Big deal. Chalk it up as something fun to tell your grand kids about someday!
Another argument I have heard for the non-date coffee routine is this, “I can tell within the first 60 seconds if I am interested in the girl.” My response: “Okay, so while you were asking her out or mustering the courage to ask her out for “coffee”… did those 60 seconds not count?”
And say, like my instance, you are meeting someone you don’t know… what is wrong with calling it a date? Just call it what it is, it is a date. You are meeting the person to see if there is a romantic chemistry between you… normal people call that a first date.
If the date goes well, ask her out for another one! But this thought leads to another argument for the non-date “coffee” meetings: “There are too many expectations when you ask a woman out on a date.”
Oh my gosh… so if you go out with a girl and you aren’t feelin’ it, tell her, “Thank you for the wonderful night, it was a pleasure meeting you.” Nothing awkward about that. Don’t tell her you will call her, don’t talk about hanging out again, and if you never see her again, she will get the point. I don’t think that’s rude.
If you go on a date with someone who is has the same circle of friends, when you see her again, be cordial and kind, but don’t ever ask her out again. I think that’s pretty clear. It doesn’t have to be awkward or uncomfortable… you both can act like grown ups, right? If you don’t think she will be mature if there is no chemistry, then maybe you should get to know her a little bit better with a group of friends before asking her out on a date.
I could say more on the topic, but I am sure I have said enough to fill up my inbox from guys who disagree with me! Ha, ha!
-Linds
For more information about sex, dating, relationships, and trusting God: Buy the Book:
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Lindsey N. Isham
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26 Comments
hahahaha out for coffee is a date. God forbid those 10 minutes of coffee dating go badly then they’ve wasted a whole 10 min!
ha, ha… you are funny! I know right!?
Look I asked a lady friend from church out to coffee because I had no agenda. I wasnt dating or looking to date. I even had her pay for her coffee. I truly didnt want a relationship at the time I was feed up. The purpose was not to rate her relationship potential. I can be just friends with women. However……..we have been married 4 years now……..nevermind.
Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha… that is hilarious! Thanks for sharing Joe! I love it!
i love this post, but now think I am guilty of the same thing
oooops
I asked a guy i’ve known for a little while to catch up for coffee (of which we did), but now I’m not so sure on what he actually thought that was date/not date. Hmm…….maybe I need to take ur advice, or just leave it up to him for now
Ha, well, dating, coffee, there are way too many rules and tip-toeing around “dating.” You are not the only one who gets confused about that stuff…
Yeah I just asked a girl to have coffee with me yesterday. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m in rehab and just started the methadone program. I just moved into a new place and I’m trying to get my life together. My counselor even said I shouldn’t be getting involved in relationships just yet. I told my friend about it and she said just be clear that you want to be friends. Thing is at first I thought I wanted to take it further, but I started thinking and it really isn’t a good time. I better tell her while it’s early.
I view coffee as a prelude to a date. The fact is, there are plenty of great girls out there and many girls I am lucky to call friends. Starting off with a full date runs the very real risk of negating any friendship with a girl and missing out on that, for she will always view you in a different way. I see coffee as a filter, you can decide whether she is a friend for the future or someone worth going after more seriously.
Yesterday a guy I am attracted to, asked if he could buy me a coffee. He didn’t specifiy a time or day. I emailed back ‘coffee would be good.’ But he hasn’t come back to me. I’ve sent him two emails – work related – which I felt would give him the opportunity to suggest a time for coffee but he hasn’t. What’s going on?
So, he asked you out for coffee through an email? Am I understanding you correctly?
That in itself is telling. Here is what I think: I think he is insecure. If he were confident enough in the first place, he wouldn’t have asked you out over emailed or text. He would have either asked you in person (you did say that you work with him so I am assuming you see each other) or over the phone. I know that a lot of guys are asking girls out via facebook, twitter, text, email, etc. but it is usually because it is SAFER for them. If they get rejected, they simply receive a few words on their phone that say something like, “Thanks but no thanks.” But if they have to actually talk to you, and see your facial reaction when they ask the date question, well, it is a perceived bigger rejection for them.
I think you have given this guy plenty of opportunities to bring up the “coffee date” again… so now I think you just wait. Don’t fret, just be your normal beautiful, fun self. You need a confident man who will be able to lead you and your future family (for marriage of course) and if a guy is too intimidated by you to even ask you out, well, maybe he isn’t the best for you anyway.
In my experience, if a guy was too shy or too insecure to ask me out (and I decided to help him), he was the type to be jealous or insecure in a dating relationship. Trust me, you don’t want to date a guy with escalated amounts of those two qualities.
Good luck and keep me posted!
Sincerely,
Lindsey
Uh oh… My friend asked me out for coffee, we’ve known each other for maybe a month now. And he wanted to catch up before we head separate ways for the break. I said yes, because it was only coffee, (I’m not interested in him)… What if he thinks of this differently than I do? Ugh, I usually avoid people when I don’t like them and they like me, and I want to stop doing that because I want to be friends with this guy. What should I do?
Thank God I found your blog. I have been really baffled about this whole “coffee” thing for awhile now. I was just casually chatting with a friend when he suggested coffee. We went, it was really casual and there was no pressure of anything because we are just friends that were reconnecting. We remain in constant communication through texting. He asks me for coffee again about a month after the first coffee and I go it went really well I thought, but again no awkwardness or anything. We were just talking about our walks with God, and many other random things. And now I guess I found myself agreeing to another coffee session. Seriously. What is this now? For the third time of plain old coffee? Haha. What do you think? Thanks Lindsey for letting me vent out my frustration.
Hi Sara!
Your situation sounds familiar
Has anything changed since you wrote me (sorry it took me so long to respond)?
Sincerely,
Lindsey
Mae,
You are such a riot
So, I took a long break over Christmas to spend with my family, has anything changed with your situation yet? Have you had a DTR or anything?
It sounds like the guy is one of four things:
*Nervous about dating (or nervous about dating you), or doesn’t know how to date
*Cheap
*Just wants to be friends
*Insecure and afraid that if he tells you he likes you, you won’t want to spend time with him anymore
Update me about your situation and I would love to offer some more concrete advice.
Thanks for writing!
Sincerely,
Lindsey
Well, if I were to assess the situation, and do an investigative DTR. I can pretty much say that right now we are plain super duper amazing FRIENDS.
Hahaha. Uhm so, he never mentioned the coffee meet again. It was weird. On that day, I waited for a mention on it and nothing. If I remembered it, how could he have forgotten about it when he was the one who asked right? Haha. Oh dear. Well, if God intends for something more than friendship to happen, then it will right?! If not, then he is a really good buddy that I can just share almost anything to.
Ouch. hahahaha.
If anything, it is a funny story that you can tell your girl friends when they find themselves in a similar situation!
Sincerely,
Linds
Hey Lindsey,
I am so honored to have ran across this webpage! I am a soon-to-be 26 year old virgin and loving it! Your testimony of waiting for “the one” while still being horny-LOL is an encouragement to me to continue to wait no matter what! Thank you!!
Thanks Dee!
God bless you!
Sincerely,
Lindsey
Ok so I was at a 21st the other week, and I met a really nice guy and we hit it off straight away; we’d read the same obscure book and both love the show Inspector Rex. Anyway, at the end of the night he got me and a few other people to add ourselves on his facebook on his iphone. A few days later he was on chat so I said hi, but got no response and went to bed after a while. The next morning he’d replied and said “sorry I missed you, here’s my number let me know if you’re ever in the city and want to catch up”. So I did and I’m supposed to meet him for ‘coffee’ on Saturday. The question is, is this a date? I have pretty low self-esteem, so I keep thinking he just wants to be friends, and I’m getting mixed responses from friends – what do you think Lindsey?
So, how did the “coffee” outing go? Was it a date? Did you guys talk about it or not? Sorry for the delay… I was on vacation!
Sincerely,
Lindsey
I’ve just chanced on this article. And, certainly, I just don’t get what is it with coffee. I’ve just gone on coffee with this guy I’ve never met. A few days after the first coffee meeting, he asked me out for coffee again. How many coffee chats can one have?
Who knows!
So, say your older brother’s good friend asks you out for coffee, is that a date or just coffee? I have known him for years, and I’m back home for winter break, and he asked me out for coffee, I agreed and we’re supposed to go tomorrow.
Never mind, turns out it was to get to know me, before asking me out on a date
. Apparently he’s liked me for a long time.
And???
I wish you the best Kat!
Sincerely,
Lindsey
We’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend now.
Thanks Lindsey!